Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Whiny kid study

This is funny, posted on There has been a report published in Berkeley that says whiny children grow up to be conservative and self assured, strong, independant children grow up to be liberals. Probably true, the whiners grow up to be self-assured (conservatives) and the self assured kids get whiny (liberals). Or so it seems if you've ever read the daily Kos.

Does your child complain constantly? Does she have pictures on her wall of Ann Coulter? Does your son threaten to go “nuh-ku-ler”? Congratulations – you have yourself a little conservative. Or at least, that’s the finding from a researcher from Berkeley (City Motto: We Don’t Have a City Motto Because They’re Fascist), California.

To summarize the study: Some students were whiney and grew to become conservatives. Others had more of a ‘laissez fair’ attitude and grew to become individual strong liberals.

As you look at this study you have to ask yourself some important questions: How objective were these observations? Were they accurate? And what exactly is ‘laissez fair’? And is it allowed on prime time TV?

IMAO readers can be proud of the fact that IMAO bloggers pour over the data that others refuse to read because it may contain big words and have zero pictures. We then take this data and throw it away in favor simple words and immature drawings. (Which I’ll post later when my scanner works.)

Here is yet another Fake But Accurate Summary of the researchers and their findings.

The Berkeley Report: One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue Kid.

Observation: Suzie complains to the teacher: “Billy’s making fun of my hair.”
Notes: Billy seems to enjoy yanking on Suzie’s pigtails and calling her names. We do not suspect there is any misogyny involved.
Conclusion: By complaining, Suzie shows that she does not respect Billy’s right to free speech.

Observation: Suzie making fun of John’s “corn rows”.
Note: John is not your typical Caucasian so his parents got him a cool hairstyle. Suzie asked him, “Why did you get corn-rows?” This was clearly inappropriate.
Conclusion: Suzie is demonstrating an insensitivity to hairstyles and reflects a narrow-minded, mono-cultural focus.

Observation: Johnny insisted on eating his crayons.
Note: The crayons were non-toxic.
Conclusion: Possible liberal. Not limited to traditional foods, although he did seem to eat only the dark colored crayons.
Update: Johnny marked for observation for potential Republicanism.

Observation: Jill let layer of glue dry on her palm. Then she peeled it off.
Note: This is a classic time-wasting device and squandering of the earth’s precious resources.
Conclusion: Jill is wasteful and insensitive to those with bad skin conditions.

Teachers Question: “Billy, what color is this?”
Student response: “Red.”
Note: Although this is done under the guise of teaching, we question the teacher’s choice of color.
Observation: Seeing red as red is sooooo conservative.

Teacher’s Question: “Johnny, what color is this?”
Student response: (Slow to notice question because he was eating paint chips) – “Color?”
Observation: Johnny doesn’t see color. He is a total free thinker.

Observation: Little Benjamin hits a lot of the kids.
Conclusion: Benjamin has serious issues that need discipline.

Observation: Little Jamal hits a lot of the kids.
Conclusion: Jamal comes from a disadvantaged family. Further action would be racist.

Observation: Johnny likes to pretend he’s a super hero.
Note: There is nothing wrong with ‘hero play’ in moderation. We must watch these students carefully or they may take extreme jobs such as law enforcement or military duty.
Conclusion: Sad to see the pursuit of typical boy fantasy.

Observation: Bruce likes to pretend he’s a girl.
Conclusion: Healthy thinking. Potential transgender. Good “outside the box” thinking.
Update: The word “box” not meant in a sexual way.

Observation: George says “please” and “thank you” to his teacher.
Conclusion: This shows that George is too subservient and meek. We suspect more than a bit of brown nosing.

Observation: Roberto says nothing. Nothing all day.
Conclusion: There is nothing wrong with being introspective. Many of these men grow to become liberal and make wonderful same-sex husbands.
Update: Turns out Roberto did not speak English.

Observation: Moonbeam, wanders the hallways without a pass.
Conclusion: A free spirit, and bold. Fly brave spirit. Fly!
Update: Moonbeam was later abducted. If you have any information on Moonbeam, please pass it on to your local law enforcement agency.

Observation: Georgie painted a picture of Jesus using finger paint.
Note: We encouraged the student to paint same sex families but they complained about how that behavior was “sinful”.
Conclusion: This student is a typical little Jesus freak.


Sherree said...

This is hilarious. You have opened up a whole new world to me!

Ron Ballew said...

Great! We live in intersting times.